Keeping a Fear Journal

I doubt I’m alone in wishing I had a tape recorder for my brain. I have so many thoughts that it’s hard to capture, they come through looking perfect for a fleeting moment and then they disappear leaving an indecipherable imprint on me, sometimes a longing, sometimes an unaccounted-for decision.

One decision I made recently was to start journalling my fear. Ana Forrest says, when you feel fear, write it down and then you can turn around and stalk it.

For a start, I’m not sure what it means to stalk fear. I’m determined to learn, though.

For a second thing, what does it mean when the first entry in your fear journal reads “I’m afraid of starting a fear journal”?

A key fear I’ve found though is fear of mediocrity, of doing something and being a bit poor at it, not getting results, failing. Of course, you have to do something badly over and over before you can do that something well. It’s a prerequisite stage. So if I maintain this fear, then I will never be good at anything.

I keep panicking about coaching because when I tried it several years ago, I wasn’t very good – and of course I wanted to be the female Tony Robbins from my first session. It helps a little to remember that I was also pretty awful as a union rep the very first time I tried it, and I got reasonably good at that – not phenomenal, mind, but I could get there if I gave it a few more years. Which, incidentally, I don’t particularly want to do.

It also helps to remind myself that when I first received coaching (also from a student coach) I didn’t think for a moment she may not be any good. I was too busy worrying what would she think of me, of my problems, what would I get from the session? They do say that the coach’s personality isn’t supposed to factor into the session at all.

I’ll let you guys know how that goes.

Ben is currently downstairs laser cutting a table as a birthday present for his mum. We head back there on Friday, via a friend’s house, and then we are celebrating her birthday on Saturday.

We are going to do a few day trips and possibly an Isle of Wight overnight, and then head to our first Workaway for a few days.

I’m excited. But a bit nervous. Maybe I should write about that in my fear journal too.

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